I want to start this post off by stating for the record that I love all of my children, deeply and truly.  I am so glad that I have them all in my life and that I get the distinct privilege of being their mother.  The next sentences come merely from a place of feeling utterly inadequate, constantly insufficient, and all too frequently ”splinched” (term taken from Harry Potter and used by another blogger – cannot for the life of me remember who, I fear - to describe the feeling of having to be in more than one place at a time, doing more than one thing at a time, and being pulled apart as a result). 

Have you ever wished that you could have each of your children as an only child for a day at a time?  What I mean is that you would have only one of your children for a day, to do things just for them and with them and to focus on them completely and fully.  Then for the next day you’d have another of your children for the whole day, just you and that child.  And then the next and so on.  I so wish this some days when it feels as though I’m not doing a good job with any one of my children.  As though I’m neglecting everyone by having to divide myself four ways.  Of course I don’t love any one of them more than another.  And I don’t wish that they weren’t here.  We had four children quite purposely.  I just so often feel that I’m quite bungling the whole thing and that maybe I’d have been better off just focusing on one.  Actually, I do think that Ben in many ways would have made a good only child.  He’d love to not have to share us or the house with siblings.  He’d love to not have to compromise and put up with others’ quirks and habits.  But for these very reasons I think that it’s good that he does have siblings.  And I also think that while it might be easier on me to have only one child, I think it’s better for me to have many.  I believe that it’s helping me to learn how to be patient, how to listen better and see them each individually, and how to let go of not being a “perfect mother”, whatever that might be. 

But back to my wishful thinking.  I’ve just been entertaining this little daydream for the last day or so about how I would spend the time with each of them if I could have a day (or more than one, even) to devote to each of them.   Sam’s easy… I’d start by playing on the floor with him for as long as he wanted, giving him a bath and letting him play in there for a good long time, not hurrying him out to move onto something else that I “have to do”.  I’d take him to a playground and just follow his lead, then we might go to a toddler storytime, the kind we never go to now because of the older kids.  I might just get out some of those toddler crafts that I don’t do so often anymore (even Ellie seems to be outgrowing playdough now).  I’d read him his favorite books over and over and over and over.   We’d probably go to a farm where he could see his beloved horses and cows up close and personal and then stop by a construction site to let him just watch the trucks that he’s begun to be so fascinated by.  Perhaps after that we’d sit at the end of an airport runway and watch the planes take off and land.  He’d probably love that.  We’d eat all of our food with our fingers and then maybe take another bath.  And he could have his whole nap without having to be awakened to take some older kid to some activity or other.  That would be Sam’s day.

Ellie is easy too.  One sadness I have with her is that I’ve never felt as if I’ve had the time to do all of the “preschool-y” kinds of things that are so fun at this age.  The great arts and crafts projects, the just plain exploring with the things around our house, going on simple nature walks, etc.  And there are a whole bunch of things that I did with the older two years ago and tend to forget that we haven’t done them with Ellie, as if it’s checked off as “done” in my head for good.   So we’d do many of those types of things.  We’d bake things (which we actually do pretty often, but she loves it so it would have to be included in our day), go to the children’s museum (she’s been there but it’s been awhile – the older kids are too oldfor it right now and Sam is still a bit young for it – gotta figure out how to get Ellie there again sometime soon, though), play games and do puzzles together to her heart’s content, read stories together that are just for her (not one’s she’s listening to because she’s tagging along with her older sibs), and just plain snuggle.  And really it’s not that we don’t do these things, it’s simply that I don’t do them nearly often enough.  Or so it seems to my perfectionistic mind. 

Madeline is harder.  She’s quieter in many ways than the others, less likely to make waves or make her wishes known in an obvious and vocal way.  I think that we’d start by going to the botanical gardens or a park and just going for a wandering stroll around the place.  She loves to be outdoors and loves to explore.  I’d let her take the lead.  We’d probably draw together (or I’d watch her draw, anyway…) and I’d listen to her tell me about her Everlands world for as long as she wants to talk.  I’d ask her questions and listen carefully to find out the answers because I really do want to know all about this place in her imagination.  We might bake something or play a game, but really I think she’d just like to have me pay full attention to her, not to a sibling and not because she’s my best resident-babysitter, but just pay attention. 

Ben.  Hmm.  He’d want to play a bunch of games, ones just for older kids with strategy involved.  And he might like me to watch him play some of his video games and explain them to me as he goes.  Or he might like to try (again- the first time was an utter disaster) to teach me how to duel with Yu-Gi-Oh cards.  He probably will talk to me, but I’m not sure about what.  I’ll be able to pay more attention than usual, though, and really be able to focus on what he’s explaining to me (usually it’s something quite complex and I’m not able to focus my brain on it due to the other things going on around me).  We might listen to some music together since he’s just starting to develop his own musical tastes (mostly coming from his dad’s cd collection, but still…) and maybe he’d let me in on what his favorites are.  Probably we’d have to be driving somewhere for that which we most likely wouldn’t do since he’s a bit of a homebody.  We’d probably mostly play games.  He’s most likable then too – easier to get along with and relate to. 

So.  Those are my only-child daydreams.  Thing is, now that I’ve taken the time to write them out and think them through a bit, I see that there isn’t really any reason to not do these things.   Maybe not all at once, but more often and more consciously.   I tend to think that there are a thousand reasons that I can’t do these things very often with my kids, mostly relating to the fact that there are four of them clamoring for my time and attention always.  But really all I have to remember is this bit of very important wisdom from Alicia at Magic and Mayhem, and it all should come into sharp focus.  I can’t *not* do these things with them.  And I definitely should do them now.